WCW Uncensored 2000

From Miami, Florida; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mikey Tenay, and Mark Madden.

Opening WCW Cruiserweight Title Match: The Artist v Psychosis: Chris Candido joins us for guest commentary, making his WCW debut. Artist, meanwhile, appears to be dressed to go clubbing on South Beach rather than wrestle, so Psychosis slaps him across the face, and chops him into the corner. Flying rana and a clothesline knock the champ out to the floor, and Psychosis follows out with a flying bodypress. Inside, Artist manages to get him in a tree of woe, and a snapmare gets two. Fuck transitions! Cross corner clothesline, and he pulls some hair as an actual submission attempt. Well, if Psychosis were a six year old girl, we'd be hearing a bell, but unfortunately (despite appearances) he is not. Psychosis tries a sunset flip for two, and a nice rana off the top rope gets two. Forward brainbuster, but Paisley (Artist's manager) distracts him as he goes for the kill, and Artist hits a 2^nd rope flying DDT to finish at 7:22. Looked terrible, as Artist looks more amateurish now than when he was actually green in 1997. Psychosis looked good, but he couldn't get this going - especially through Artist's plodding offense. ½*

Norman Smiley and The Demon v Lenny Lane and Rave: Miss Hancock (Stacy Keibler) comes down to do guest commentary, with Mark Madden offering to fuck her up the ass. Well, we've all been THERE, haven't we? Lenny and Rave attack from behind (no shit!), and it turns right into a brawl. Lenny and Rave dominate Demon, but they screw up a double-team clothesline, and Smiley gets the tag. He's a disco inferno, and catches Rave in the Conquest at 3:40. This belonged on the Indy scene. And what was with all the gay stereotypes in 2000 WCW? DUD

The Wall v Bam Bam Bigelow: No guest commentator this time, so unfortunately, Mark Madden has no one to sexually harass for our amusement. Bigelow attacks as Wall climbs into the ring, and hits an avalanche, but takes a short-clothesline as he tries a cross corner whip. Wall misses a charge though, and gets bodyslammed, and Bam Bam hits a flying headbutt for two. DDT gets two, and they spill out to the floor for a brawl. They end up near the entrance set, at the WCW.com booth, and Wall chokeslams Bigelow through their table - getting disqualified at 3:34. Normally, I'd make a stink about a disqualification on a supposedly uncensored show, but I don't care enough anymore. DUD

WCW Hardcore Title Handicap Elimination Match: 3-Count v Brian Knobs: All three members are recognized as co-champions. Knobs stupidly loads the ring with weapons from the floor, and his three opponents simply grab them, and attack. Idiot. Can you imagine Brian Knobs as a general? 'Well, men, the enemy has the high ground. I suggest tossing them our weapons, and then charging. Rub their faces in your arm-pits if you can.' Anyway, the typical weapon shot exchanges go on for a while, until 3-Count overwhelm Knobs, and take turns hitting flying splashes off the top of a ladder. They get too busy dancing, however, and Knobs sprays Shane Helms with a fire extinguisher for a pin at 3:01. He beats the other two with a broom handle, and Evan Karagias goes through a table for the next pin at 4:16. Another table gets involved as Knobs goes for the kill on Shannon Moore, but it backfires when 3-Count triple team, and Moore gets the pin at 5:43. Oh, but Knobs had his foot on the ropes, so we continue. Joy! More weapon shots, and Knobs kills him with a garbage can to win the title at 7:00. A couple of nice spots from 3-Count, but there was no psychology to any of it, and it was just a mess. ¼*

Harlem Heat 2000 v Booker and Billy Kidman: Booker sadly lost the rights to the 'T' in his name at this point, along with the Harlem Heat name. Stevie Ray starts with Booker, and hammer away, but walks into a savate kick, and takes a backelbow. Tag to Kidman for a dropkick, but a bodypress is countered with a powerslam, and Stevie tags. Kidman catches Big T with a dropkick, however, and passes back to Booker to unload chops. Harlem sidekick, triggers a brawl, and Booker Russian legsweeps Big T for Kidman to splash - only for Stevie to nail him as he soars through the air. Heat cut the ring in half on Kidman (doing a shitty job of it too, both in their sloppy spots, and the fact that they fail to actually keep him on their side of the ring - leaving Booker to have to pretend he can't reach him half the time), until Stevie misses a charge, and takes a bulldog. Tag to Booker, and he's a house of arson! Four-way brawl, and Kidman catches Big T with a flying sunset flip (with Harlem sidekick assist from Booker) for the pin at 6:58 - despite not being the legal man in the match. Luckily, Booker got his 'T' back eventually, and uses it to this day. So now you can sleep at night. ½*

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Vampiro v Fit Finlay: Finlay controls early, and holds Vampiro on the mat in a fishhook, but ends up telegraphing a backdrop, and getting kicked. Vampiro with a flying spinheel kick for two, and he unloads on Fit with a series of headbutts. Finlay with a rolling fireman’s carry, but the referee protests his use of a chair, and the distraction allows Vampiro to superkick it into his face. It spills to the outside as they brawl into the crowd, and up the stands. They end up in the bathrooms (with Finlay hilariously having to reroute when he realizes he's dragging Vampiro into the ladies' side), and they brawl in there - with a security goon having to violently restrain some poor fan who ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. They fight out onto the smoking terrace, and Vampiro ends up hitting the Nail in the Coffin at 8:44. Well, I enjoyed it because I've been to many shows at the American Airlines arena, but objectively, this sucked. DUD

WCW World Tag Team Title No Disqualification Match: The Mamalukes v The Harris Brothers: Big Vito starts with Ron Harris, and the champ controls with clotheslines - Harris bailing to the outside to regroup. Back in, Vito tags Johnny the Bull, and he hits a powerslam for two, then tags right back out. Vito gets caught with a gut-punch, however, and Ron tags Don Harris for a backelbow. Vito manages a Japanese armdrag and a bodyslam, then tags. Mamalukes with some double-teams, but Johnny gets caught in the wrong part of town, and the Harris' cut the ring in half. Johnny manages to catch Ron with a clothesline to tag, and Vito is an insurance-scam house of fire! Flying elbowdrop on Don during the four-way brawl gets two, but he gets overwhelmed, and the Harris' hit the H-Bomb for the belts at 8:46. Match sorely lacked flow, but thankfully was kept relatively short. ¼*

Bullrope Match: Terry Funk v Dustin Rhodes: Funk brings a man in a chicken suit with him, and teases Dustin by telling him he brought his brother. That gets Dustin chasing the chicken, and Funk clobbers him with an actual chicken (as in, literal poultry) in the aisle. Into the ring, Terry whips him with the bullrope, and shoves him into the corner for a ten-punch. Swinging neckbreaker gets two, and he whacks him with a cowbell for two, as the announcers amuse themselves with SNL references. At least someone's having fun. Dustin responds in kind, and they finally stop to attach the bullrope. Rhodes with a DDT for two, and slam gets two. Bulldog onto the cowbell gets two, but the chicken runs back in - with cheesy chicken sound effects playing over the sound system. Dustin slaughters him like half price night at KFC, but it allows Funk to blow him low. Funk grabs a microphone, and decides he wants to change this to an I Quit Match, but the referee treats him like the senile old man he is, and ignores him. Funk beats Dustin with the cowbell until he quits, but the referee won't count it since this isn't an I Quit Match - though that should count as a submission either way. It's not like they scheduled an I Quit Match, and Funk wanted to add pinfalls - the original booking was pinfall or submission. 'I Quit' is a submission. My head hurts. As Funk argues that point with the official, Rhodes whacks him with the cowbell, and hits a piledriver to finish at 9:02. Ugh! And looking over the card, I figured this was our shot at seeing a decent match - if only because both guys aren't green rookies, and know how to structure a match, and work a crowd. I was wrong. Very wrong. ¼*

Lumberjacks with Casts Match: Sting v Lex Luger: All the lumberjacks have casts on their arms that they can use as weapons - stemming from Luger breaking a bunch of guys' arms (kayfabe) during this period. Lex attacks him during the entrances, but Sting fights him off, and knocks him out to the floor. The heel lumberjacks give him a break, and back in, Sting bodyslams him. Elbowdrop gets two, and he tosses him out again - this time in front of the face lumberjacks. They beat Luger with their casts for a bit, and inside, Sting mounts him with punches. Luger dumps him to the heel lumberjacks to turn the tide, as Tank Abbott marches down, and punches out lumberjack Doug Dillenger (they had beef over Dillenger's security team). Luger hits a clothesline as all the lumberjacks start brawling, and leave ringside. Luger with a chinlock, so Ric Flair marches down with Elizabeth to brawl with Vampiro (the only lumberjack still at ringside). He heads in to attack Sting as well, but Sting shrugs him off, and hits the Stinger Splash. One for Luger as well, as Jimmy Hart runs down, and threatens to beat Elizabeth with a belt to get her away from ringside. Meanwhile, Luger takes control, and tries for the Torture Rack, but Vampiro cracks him with a bat, and Sting hits the Scorpion Deathdrop at 7:00. Just a total overbooked mess from bell-to-bell. Terrible. –½*

WCW World Title Match: Sid Vicious v Jeff Jarrett: Jarrett is the United States Champion, but only Sid's title is on the line here. Sid with a clothesline as the bell sounds, and he knocks Jarrett into the corner for a ten-punch. Chokeslam, but Jeff rakes the eyes, so Sid clotheslines him over the top, and slams him (see: gently places him) onto the announce table. Sid with an axehandle, and they brawl into the crowd for a bit - The Harris Brothers attacking Vicious out there. Yeah, well and good, but for an evil plan, they were really relying way too heavily on Sid and Jarrett happening to end up in that part of the building. They beat Sid back into the ring, and Jeff follows to take over with a sleeper. Jeff with a 2^nd rope axehandle, but Sid gut-punches him, and hits a big boot. More Harris interference backfires when Jarrett gets clobbered with the title belt for two, and Sid goes for the chokeslam again - only to get kicked in the nuts, and hit with the guitar. The looks to finish, but now Hulk Hogan makes his way down, and pulls the referee out. He gives Jarrett a big boot and the Legdrop, and pulls an unconscious Vicious on top of him for the pin at 7:36. Another overbooked mess. DUD. Afterwards, Scott Steiner runs in to attack Hogan, and Flair joins in, bleeding right into...

Main Event: Yappapi Indian Strap Match: Hulk Hogan v Ric Flair: YAPPAPI! God. I remember all of my friends at school adding that to anything mundane during the buildup to this, so we'd go around yelling about things like the 'YAPPAPI extra credit project,' or the 'YAPPAPI nurse's office.' Flair keeps the beating going in the early going, and an insane looking Jimmy Hart comes down (there's a guy who should never, ever take his shades off) - standing around looking crazy as Hogan and Flair brawl to the floor. They trade strap shots, and brawl up the aisle - Flair blading along the way. Lex Luger adds a chairshot for Hogan, and Jimmy Hart tries to interfere, but gets chopped by Flair. Flair tries to drag him to all four corners, but can't, so he adds a shot with some knux to bust Hogan open as well. That gets two, as they again ignore the stipulations. But, really, it's just an excuse for Hogan to HULK UP!! Fist of Fury! Big Boot! So Lex Luger runs back in. Hogan gives him a big boot as well, then adds the Legdrop to pin Flair. The referee counts the fall, then remembers the gimmick, and Hulk touches the fourth corner at 14:26. Just an embarrassing, train wreck of a match - one that should have been wrapped in under ten minutes. But, hey, still the best Yappapi Indian Strap Match I’ve ever seen! YAPPAPI! DUD

BUExperience: The best match was the opener, which I called at half a star. What more do you need to know?

DUD