WWF Monday Night RAW (January 3, 1994)

Original Airdate: January 3, 1994 (Taped December 13, 1993)

From Poughkeepsie, New York; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Johnny Polo.

We start off with Paul Bearer and The Undertaker promising that 1994 is the Year of the Casket as they continue to build the double-deep, double-wide casket for Yokozuna. I get what they were going for here, but how fucking long would it take to build a casket? We all saw the finished product. If that took Undertaker six weeks to build, he should focus on his woodworking skills instead of the WWF Title

Segue to Wrestling Challenge over the weekend, as Stan Lane interviews Yokozuna, Jim Cornette, and Mr. Fuji. Cornette says Yokozuna is in no way afraid of caskets, and that those are just nasty rumors, but Yoko's eyes say otherwise. What I don't get is, why are they pretending Cornette and Stan Lane don't know each other? I get it if they're doing different characters (eg: Johnny Polo versus Raven), but they're both still going by the same names as during the Midnight Express days. Not that I knew as a kid (in 1994, I only knew Stan Lane as a broadcaster, and had no knowledge of his earlier work), so whatever

Opening Match: Yokozuna v Dan Dubiel: Yoko tosses Dubiel around to start, and he hits a bodyslam. Legdrop, belly-to-belly suplex, and the Banzi Drop wraps things up at 3:39. Quick and painless. Well, I mean, not for Dubiel, as Yoko screwed up the Drop and really squashed him, but you know, otherwise. DUD

We take a look back at Superstars over the weekend, as Lex Luger wrestles Jacques. Jacques makes a switch with Pierre while the referee gets bumped, but Luger still knocks them both out with the loaded forearm for the win

Segue to earlier today, as Vince McMahon sits down with Lex Luger to discuss the possibility of him not being allowed entry into the Royal Rumble. Nothing really said, but dear God does Vince come off (from his tone of voice, to his broad smile, to the way he adorningly stares) like a guy trying to charm his way into Luger's pants. Maybe that's why Luger's never been invited back. Broken hearts take time to heal, yo

Thurman Plugg Vignette. His friends call him 'dumb ass'

HOT RAW Girl Sign of the Week: Are You RAW

The Smoking Gunns v Bam Bam Bigelow and Bastion Booger: Billy Gunn starts with Bigelow, and tries a headlock, but gets shoulderblocked a couple of times. Gunn fires back with a dropkick to put Bigelow on the floor, and he tags Bart Gunn as the Gunns start working the arm for a while. Bigelow shrugs Bart off and passes to Booger, and he counters a waistlock simply by being fat. Good strategy. Buttsplash, but Billy runs in with a bulldog to stop it, and the Gunns briefly double-team before Booger knocks Bart out to the floor. Inside, the heels cut the ring in half on Bart, but Booger misses an avalanche (Was he really expecting to hit it? He was running like he had two broken legs), and Billy gets the tag. He's a barn of fire, but Booger is too busy flirting with Luna Vachon on the floor to participate in a four-way brawl. Bigelow notices, and goes after him - getting himself counted out in the process at 10:00. Really dull stuff, especially for so late in this long taping cycle. They're lucky people didn't get up and leave. ¼*

Royal Rumble Report! Todd Pettingill's New Years resolution? He 'wants a hump.' Considering this is the pre-Diva era, I'm assuming he also means with Lex Luger?

Next Week: RAWs one year anniversary!

Jeff Jarrett v John Crystal: Jeff wastes no time stalling, and suckers the jobber into a backelbow, but gets cradled for two. Pissed, Jeff stomps him, and takes his head off with a clothesline. Well executed dropkick follows, but Jarrett showboats, and takes a sunset flip for two. He chokes Crystal down, and hits a vertical suplex. Crystal tries to comeback with a powerslam for two, but telegraphs a backdrop, and gets DDTd at 3:02. ¼*

Marty Jannetty comes out with the 1-2-3 Kid (Jannetty dressed like he's already homeless), and issues a challenge to commentator Johnny Polo for a tag title shot against his Quebecers next week!

Razor Ramon does an anti-smoking PSA. I'd make a joke, but cigarettes would have been the least of Scott Hall's problems

I usually skip these, but we get an ad for WWF Rage in the Cage videogame (on the shitty SegaCD), and OH MAN, did I love that game as a kid! I remember how crazy it was that there were twenty (!) wrestlers to choose from, and I loved that you had to run the gauntlet and beat every one of them to win the WWF Title. I did that with Bret Hart many a'time. Fun game, for the time. Anyway...

Shawn Michaels v Brian Walsh: They trade off on the mat for a bit, and Shawn takes Walsh (who looks like Kevin Von Erich) down with an armdrag into an armbar. Walsh does a bridging escape into a monkeyflip, triggering a pinfall reversal sequence, and ending in Brian firing him into the corner with a slingshot into a backslide for two. Shawn catches him with a powerslam, and tosses the uppity little guy out to the floor for Diesel to play with. Inside, Michaels hits a hanging vertical suplex for two, and he works a chinlock. Shawn stops a comeback with a kneelift, but another try gets him cradled for two. Walsh with a dropkick, but a second try at that misses, and Shawn superkicks him. Piledriver finishes at 5:07. This was actually more of a match than a squash, with actual pinfall attempts before the finish, and everything. Not a particularly good match, or anything, but better than expected. ¾*

BUExperience: First RAW of 1994, but we’re still watching stuff from before Christmas. God bless these people for sitting through this taping, because holy God nothing happened here. It was mostly highlights of stuff that happened on other shows, which is understandable, given that this thing was taped three weeks earlier.